And You drank the cup.

Once Satan enters your mind doesn't it feel so hard to throw him out and just lock the door?

And You loved me when I was Your enemy.
And You chose me when I didn't believe.

Explain to me why all the junk in my life that I throw to the bottom of the ocean keeps resurfacing?

You drank the cup that was all filled up
with my punishment and shame.

You're on top of the world and then all of a sudden your face down in the dirt. Yeah, how many times has this happened. More than we can count. I don't even know what else to write about this. Like, it pains me to think about it. I just want to scream or just plead with God to save me from this hell I call a life. The room spins and my body aches from the devils schemes that ruin my body.

Jesus, perfect through suffering
Jesus, our merciful High Priest

God has such compassion for us. Today, I got out of a hellish day of work and saw that it was yet again cloudy. But the sky did something cool it split into sections, in front of me was a dark cloud and behind me was sun breaking through clouds. Typical beauty after the storm. So, I drove to a friends house down the street. All day a sentence ran through my head, "And You loved me when I was Your enemy." That's it, that's all my brain could even process today. So as I drove towards the dark cloud I realized God still loves me even though I'm not driving towards His perfect Son.

The weakness of God is mighty
And the foolishness of His love has saved me.

I fell short today, it's not okay. And now all there is to do is write about it which i think is good to an extent. Stare at the wall for a couple dozen minutes then sleep. I'll beat myself up about it now but tomorrow I'll be okay. Not okay. It should bug me until every inch of my body longs for forgiveness, for redemption. Why won't I learn? Teach me God. Please! Deliver me from the pains of this world. Thank You for drinking the cup, the whole cup, every drop. You're not thirsty anymore, SHOW ME how to control the shame and transgressions from filling the cup up again.

My body aches as Satan torments my body, I just want to jump out of my skin.